


I don't deserve it.

by Janaediangelo



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Angst, Eventual Relationships, F/F, F/M, I love Nico I promise sorry he suffers in this, Implied Relationships, M/M, Most cannon relationships are friendships, Other, Poor Nico, Some explicit language (some swearing), Trigger warning- suicide, i can't tag, maybe OCs?, protecting Nico
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-04-19 22:47:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14247366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janaediangelo/pseuds/Janaediangelo
Summary: Im bad at this but basically, Nico attempts suicide and Hades can't help him this time. He enlist the help of the seven because they're at camp. Percy realizes his feelings. Hazel is devastated. The camp makes a dangerous mistake. But can they really help Nico before he finds a way to end it all?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, I know this story sucks, but I'm trying. Please don't hate. I hope you enjoy

Nico took a sort of thrill in the feeling- dangling his own life between his hands. One slip of a foot and he was gone. One stumble backwards and he was safe. But he was so, so weak. He stared off into the rolling waves tumbling below him. His feet on the edge of the jagged cliff. The wind was so sharp it could push him forward, and maybe that's what Zeus wanted. Maybe Zeus was bipolar as ever, being the wind couldn't decide whether to push forward or back. Poseidon seemed angry. He couldn't understand why. Maybe he was angry he hadn't done this sooner. He stared at it all, his obsidian eyes dull and lifeless. The bags under his eyes were hanging like someone had punched him- like deep purple bruises. 

He thought back to his breaking point. The point when he finally realized he could never do anything right. When he finally realized he meant nothing. 

>Flashback<

It was the end of the war with Gaea. In the infirmary almost all the campers were safe and sound. The Romans were long gone(except Hazel and Frank who would visit a little longer) and the only people in there had a few broken bones, some slight concussions and the works, but nothing that couldn't be fixed. But one daughter of Aphrodite was in critical condition. 

Nobody knew why. The medics guessed poison. Some people though she broke from stress. Others thought all the fighting took a toll and she was just too weak. After all, she wasn't supposed to be on the battlefield. After all, she was only ten.

They didn't know how to fix her.

It was the middle of the day and the infirmary was bustling with visitors coming to see sick siblings and friends, but overall everyone was in a happy mood. The Aphrodite girl was sleeping soundly. Supposedly. 

“No.”

It was a word that was quiet, gentle, yet forceful and the whole infirmary quieted and looked to the cot where the girl was standing. Hovering above it was Nico, he held an icy glare and looked pointedly at...the wall. He looked furious and there was darkness and sadness seeping out of him in grey waves and the shadows creeped closer. The whole room got darker and the once sunny place felt like it held undeniable dread.

Suddenly, he placed a hand on her chest and his whole body seized up, shaking, his bones seemed to rattle, and the place got ever darker.

“I thought I said, no,” he gritted out through clenched teeth, a scowl still gracing his features. The veins you could see laced through his pale skin were turning a dark shade of black a black instead of blue and he seemed to be suffocating on air.

“Young master, I am simply trying to do my job,” said a entrancingly handsome man with feathered wings who seemed to drip from shadows and into the place Nico gazed towards. He had a clipboard balanced in hand, head tilted to the side, and his pen positioned as if to check something off.

“Yes, I know. I could smell the reek of death from anywhere Thanatos, now leave. She's young. I won't allow this. She doesn't deserve this,” Nico spat out to his best ability, struggling and seemingly put under strain as his breath caught and his fingers began to collect a dark fog to swirl around them, sinking into the girls chest.

“Young master, it is not your place to interfere. You are strong, but not this much so. You could break. Hades wouldn't want that,” Thanatos said simply in a voice as soothing and calming as butter but the words seemed to hold an unexplainable gravity. 

“I know. I don't care. I'd die if it meant saving her,” with his stare snapping from his fingers back into the man’s eyes, he continued, “I would die.”

“You'd really? You'd give up your life for this girl you don't know. For this camp that's been nothing but rotten to you. You're willing to die to save a girl who thinks you evil?” He questioned with a morbid curiosity, his head tilting slightly more.   
With renewed strength, Nico's hand put pressure on her chest, as if giving her CPR, and a soft golden light started spinning with the dark fog as it continued to seep into her.   
“Yes,” Nico replied, no hesitation in his voice,his gaze unwavering, and his tone definite. 

“Hmmmm,” Thanatos hummed, “you're a good man.”  
Then he seemed to dissipate into the floor, collapsing into shadow. 

Suddenly, the girl shot up, gasping for air, her chest heaving, and the light returned into the room.  
She took one look at Nico and screamed at the top of her lungs.  
“Get off of me! Do not touch me! Hear me you freak? Get off of me!” She said her eyes wild as she slapped away his hand and jumped up and off the cot.  
Nico, well, poor Nico looked utterly exhausted. His skin paled almost impossibly more so than it had been, taking on a sickly grey tint. His lips were chapped and looked on the verge of turning a bluish purple color and his veins were still a dark black, standing out against his skin. His knees looked close to buckling. He slowly let his hand drop down to his side and looked down ashamed, much to the shock of everyone in the infirmary.  
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled so quietly and so woefully the spectators began to wonder whether or not what the just saw what they thought they saw. He had almost drained out his life in effort to save one of this little girl, and she looked at him like he was a speck of dirt on her shoe.  
“You should be! Don't you ever touch me again! You tried to kill me didn't you? You almost killed me didn't you?!? Were you gonna rip my soul out of my body!? Freak!” She rambled on, hyperventilating. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled again, seeming to shrink in on himself, his eyes about to droop from exhaustion. And he looked so weak and just so tired it was almost painful to look at him. But that was all the other people in the infirmary could do. They looked on, dumbfounded as Nico was berated by a little girl.

“Disgusting! You are disgusting! You could’ve killed me!” She screeched. 

Nico didn't respond this time. He looked so, so sad and hopeless and it was heartbreaking. Truly heartbreaking.

She turned and ran out the infirmary yelling about how the zombie creature, the scum bag of Hades, tried to kill her, alerting the whole camp.

Nico stood there for a minute, then two. The whole room was deathly silent, the people in there hardly daring to breathe. His knees buckled and he fell to the floor, silently. He stayed there for a few seconds. The. He slowly picked himself back up, brushing himself off a bit. He turned to the crowd, his eyes dead and broken and began to walk slowly towards the door. And the other campers… just watched. They didn't try to stop him. Everywhere he stepped the area darkened and you could feel the sadness peeling off of him in waves. And once he stepped outside, the inhabitants watched through the glass door, as everywhere he stepped the grass withered black. 

>End Flashback<

Nico simply didn't deserve this life. He didn't deserve and afterlife. He deserved to burn in the fields of punishment. He deserved the torture.

His feet edged ever closer to the cutoff of the cliff.

(In Hades palace)

Seven demigods gasped and blinked their eyes open, startling from sleep. Towering above them, seated on a thrown, was Lord Hades staring at them intently.   
“What do you want, Lord Hades,” Percy spat in disgust.  
Hades paid no mind to the disrespect, just turned and looked at him sorrowfully.  
“I need your help. It's Nico. I can't save him this time,” Hades said, his voice dripping with disdain. He looked at each of them, his gaze lingering on Hazel.  
“And I do mean all of you. You're his last chance.”


	2. A burden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They find Nico at the edge of the cliff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this was a kinda long, kinda useless chapter. I can't say I'm too proud of it. But nevertheless, hope you enjoy!

Hazel's eyes went wide. She looked ready to say something but stopped and looked down, remembering she wasn't supposed to be alive.  
Percy stiffened along with the rest of them but was the only one with the courage to speak, not as intimidated by his stature.  
“What the fuck are you talking about, what did you do to Nico,” Percy practically seethed, his nostrils flaring, waves of protectiveness rolling over him.  
Annabeth had the urge to smirk and tease him for it, but this was not the time. Nico was in danger.  
Hades sighed, sounding drained and helpless.  
He looked at us pleadingly before he said,”It's not what I did but what I cannot do-”  
“Will you tell us what it is so we can fix it!” Percy cut in, glaring, his pen in hand, looking ready to fight.  
“I was about to get to that part and if you'd be quiet and stop interrupting maybe you can!” He said it so swiftly and forcibly it showed his annoyance but his desperation peeked through in his voice. It cracked on the last word. And that's what shut Percy up.

“He's trying to kill himself. Again.”  
There was a sharp gasp (presumably made by Piper) before the room was deathly silent except for the hearts beating in hummingbird shock while they all held their breath.  
Hades let out another shaky sight that tumbled from his mouth before he continued, looking down at his shoes, “I’ve stopped him before. You don't know how many times I've pulled him from the brink. I've seen his wrist bared open, bloody and cracked and had to shove ambrosia down his throat while he's screamed and kicked at me. I've cut ropes he's hung from the ceiling. I've pulled him through the shadows and to my palace before he could jump. Sometimes he stares at me and it's like looking through an empty shell. Other times he's crying and saying sorry and hugging me because he has to hold on to something-anything,” he paused and took a deep breath before continuing, “but this time, he was smart. He's too close to Poseidon's domain. I can't get to him.”  
At that last remark Percy narrowed his eyes and said nothing.  
Hazel was the first to shake out of her shock.  
“No. No! He…he can't…” she stuttered out before silent tears streamed down her face, her hiccups the only sound in the room as Frank and Leo came to hold her.  
“He's at the camp. Standing over that rocky ledge that drops a mile or two before it hits the ocean. All he has to do is jump…” Hades glanced in the son of Poseidon direction, “I know what your thinking Percy, but it's doubtful he’ll survive a fall like that, especially with how weak he is. Although your father is rather fond of him, no blessing can help this.”

Percy averted his eyes, feeling helpless.

Suddenly, Jason spoke up, his back rigid.  
“ What are we standing around here for? Any second we stay here is a second he could use to end it,” he said, his voice was hard and cold but they could all tell he was trying to be a leader. They could all tell he was in pain.  
Nevertheless, Percy nodded and joined him.  
“We know what we have to do. Please return us Lord Hades,” he said without a shred of defiance in his voice. Just the raw need to save his friend. His Nico.  
Hades lip seemed to turn up slightly at a corner before he nodded his head and the room went black. 

(Back at camp half blood) 

Nico's battered, two sizes too small sneakers had only it's heels planted on the crumbling rock. He stared down at the churning water feeling nothing. No dread, just knowledge that he'd finally get to feel the pain he deserved. Or he'd feel nothing at all ever again. He didn't know which was better.

Percy shot up straight in his bed, gasping for air. His mind feeling like it had been windswept through a tornado for about two seconds before his thoughts finally settled, zoning in on one point. Nico.  
He practically catapulted out of his bed, grabbing his flip flops and throwing his cabin door open, all while somehow managing not to fall. Well, he was on a mission.  
Six identical instances happened including screaming, questioning and irritable cabin mates, but they didn't care. How couldn't they have noticed before? How could they let this happen? If Hades hadn't ended up being a good father and interfered…  
No. Percy snapped out of his thoughts and powered ahead, Jason coming up next to him, the others in various stages behind. Jason nodded to him before grabbing his arm and launching them both into the air.  
Usually Percy would freak out, plead to be back on the ground, but not this time. 

Just as Jason was beginning to tire out the cliff came into view, Nico having a foot dangling off of it.  
“NO!” Percy screamed, honest to gods screamed. It was a broken sound.  
He elbowed Jason, causing him to drop and he twisted in a manner to let him land somewhat comfortably on the ground, them having already been descending. He sprung from the ground and sprinted forward the last foot or too before finally reaching Nico.  
He wrapped his arms around the younger boy’s waist and yanked him towards himself, away from the cliff. He was only now noticing how small his waste was. The boy’s stomach was caved in and Percy's forearm held the whole expanse of it with ease. 

Now, Percy had expected some sort of reaction. A quiet gasp, a struggle, a cry, something to show that Nico, his Nico, was still alive. But as he turned the boy around he found nothing but dead eyes and limp limbs. Those eyes so empty and seeming to ask the questions, 'Why make me suffer this way? Why can't I die?’. Percy let out a strangled so and held him close to his chest.  
Only seconds after, Jason came running up, wrapping his arms around Nico's backside. Not long after Frank flew in, in eagle form with Hazel hot on his heels, he wrapped his arms around all three boys. Hazel shoved them all aside and and burrowed into the cocoon of people to get closest to her brother, arms now firmly around her brothers all too slim waist. Leo followed in her footsteps, having sparked a friendship with Nico over a shared tragic past and love of comic books. Piper and Annabeth trailed in close behind, their cabins having been the farthest from their destination, and latched onto the hug. All of them were desperately trying to somehow, someway, hold on to Nico. Whether it was by grasping his hand, touching his hair, holding is arm, doing anything to make him feel loved. Even a small shred of love.

When the hug loosened a little, Hazel took action, stepping in front of him, grabbing his face and lowering his gaze to her height. But it was more like his eyes lolled around till they met hers, meaning nothing, being as devoid of feeling they were. There were tears streaming down Hazel's eyes, but she held her ground.  
“Nico,” she called and her broken voice seemed to snap a tiny bit more attention to his eyes, “Nico I need you to look at me. Like that, yeah? I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't notice it was this bad. I'm sorry everyone ignored it. I'm sorry I let you get so good at hiding how much you hurt. But I miss you Nico, I miss you! I need you. I need you to sing me back to sleep when I wake up with nightmares, I need you to dance the Lindy Hop with me in our cabin early in the morning to music only we know, I need you to tell me it's okay when the world gets too much, and most of all I need you because I love you Nico! All those reasons might be selfish but the reason why you should stay is because you deserve to be loved and I love you.” Her voice shown raw, every thread of emotion she felt being belt out, her voice struggling through the lump in her throat.

Nico's eyes were glazed over, but seemingly with tears. He was no longer a hollow shell of a boy, he was simply a hollow shell of what he once was. His eye bags were so severe they looked almost black in there bruised color and his hair was a stringy mess. His veins never quite faded out of black, now looking a scary purple, and at times his skin looked a transparent grey. But at least he was alive inside even if just a little bit more. 

“I love you too. But you shouldn't Hazel, I don't deserve love. I don't deserve life,” he said, his voice monotone and slipping through his lips like smoke. The whole seven was a mess of tears and rage and sorrow by now and Percy was shaking with the accusation.  
“Why would you think that? What hurt you Nico who-”  
“The world. The whole fucking world. You know what it showed me? Everyone else deserves a bit of love, deserves to be happy, just not me,” he said it so plainly and flatly, he seemed to have accepted it. He seemed to know it. As if it were a fact.  
“Well I don't care what the stupid world has to say! I don't care if the gods tell me themselves! I love you Nico! And that's not gonna stop! That won't ever stop so you have to stay, you have to!” She said, pulling at the front of his shirt. She was desperate.  
“I'm so sorry have the burden of loving me. I'm sorry I couldn't be more. I'm sorry I hurt you,” he began rambling.  
“Nico, no. No! Don't be sorry, it's not a burden it's a gift just please, please!”  
She was now tugging on him, sobbing into his shirt, her valor slowly dissipating. 

Nico wrapped his arms around her slowly, looking like Pinocchio, an inanimate puppet coming back to life. A steady stream of tears falling down his face as he whispered I'm sorrys and I love yous into her hair gently. He turned toward him and he looked like a deer caught in headlights. He was a strong big brother again, but he was still the small empty little boy they just saw and his face showed he knew they knew. His eyes looked like shattered glass and his gaze was forlorn and completely and utterly exhughted.  
In an unspoken agreement the other six joined back in on the hug, Percy the first to reconnect.  
After a moment of withstanding the cold night air through the warmth of the hug, Nico pulled away.  
He straightened his posture, unwrinkled his clothes, and looked normal again. The boy had always looked sad but anybody walking past never would've guessed what they'd just seen. Nobody would suspect he tried to end his life.  
“I suppose it's all okay,” he said with a sigh, “after all I have matters to attend to. I have to receive the blessings for the burial ceremonies, escort the fallen heros to make sure they make it to Asphodel…” he continued off mumbling to himself, his brow furrowed going over his duties.  
Annabeth arched and eyebrow and shook her hair forcefully ”I don't know what your talking about but-”  
“Yeah there's no way in hades that's happening dude,” Leo finished for her, looking like the rare serious side of Leo that's hardly seen.  
Piper whispered tentatively, “When's the last time you've eaten?” She could hardly believe she had been cautious of the boy before.  
“Yeah or slept for that matter!” Jason tacked on.  
Frank being the silent type nodded affirmatives and grunted in approval, joining in on the pointed stares at Nico.  
“You might've fooled us before, but don't think I'm letting you get away an ‘I'm okay’ this time. No. Not again,” Percy jutted out, jabbing a finger at Nico's chest to emphasize the words.  
Nico looked around in alarm, shakily, in an almost fearsome manner before he let his facade settle into his face again. He was like a cornered animal trying to scare everyone away, though it knew it would loose. The sad part is, he was good at it. It was working. It was hard to believe any of what they saw was real.  
He cleared his throat and tilted his chin up.  
“It's fine. I'm okay, truly, it was a small hiccup, I'm fine,” he spoke in a way that was a mix between calm and a growl.  
Hazel peered up at him locking eyes.  
“ Nico… when's the last time you ate more than a few pomegranate seeds.”  
“... I don't remember.”  
“Nico.”  
He closed his eyes, tears streaming down as he shook his head forcefully.  
“ I don't think I remember what food even taste like.”  
There was silence, everyone digesting the information.  
“...when's the last time you slept?” She started again, her gaze never breaking with his, ensuring no lies.  
“I think I slept about a hour…Wednesday night?”  
It was Sunday.  
“No, I mean the last time you've slept a full eight hours Nico,” she said her voice soft, and slightly pleading.  
“I think… I think it was when I passed out. After shadow traveling the statue with Reyna and Coach Hedge.”  
“That was over two months ago Nico,” Jason said his jaw set, eyes mad.

Everyone else seemed almost hysteric. They hadn't noticed this? They let this happen? Not just them but the whole camp?

All Nico let out was a whispered, “Oops.”

“You can't just-”  
“Nico-”  
“You need to get food-”  
“You need some sleep-”  
“Sleep nico-”  
“Eat something-”  
“Nightmares I know-”  
“I could've been there, helped you-”

Everyone's gumbled responses came bouncing to his ears at once. He looked down at his feet soley and utterly devastated. He was so exhausted, mentally and physically. He didn't deserve to live anyways, and death seemed so much simpler. Instead he just let everyone down. Instead he not only disappointed himself by waiting so long to put an end to emotion, he was now tugging everyone else into it too. It would take months, maybe years, to get him back to proper physical health, let alone mental health. What do you call someone drags everyone they meet, love, or care about down with them? Oh, yeah. A burden.

(Hades palace)

The god looked off into the distance and sighed. This would be better for him. Hopefully he’d end up living a happy life. Maybe find love too. Maybe they'll help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully I'll have better chapters out soon. Also, I'm thinking more Percy and Nico romance development in chapters to come?


	3. Father won't allow it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico is dragged back to camp

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is kinda short i guess and not very good, I've been horribly busy whith school stressing me out all week and I didn't have much time to write.

Nico looked around at the group of people around him still rambling on making demands of him he could never meet and asking the questions he could never answer. Instead of quieting they seemed to gradually get louder, if possible. He sighed slightly wondering when it would stop. And of course, Percy goddamn Jackson was the one berating him most, wondering why I the world Nico didn't tell him or come to him and why he’d destroy himself like this. Nico closed his eyes gently and let the chaos erupt around him.

Percy just couldn't wrap his head around it. Did he really manage to fail someone so terribly they would take their own lives? Especially someone he cared so much about. How could he let it get to this point? How couldn't he have noticed.

The boy supposed it was his own fault, letting Nico only be seen in the corner of his vision, rarely freaking out when he wasn't there and letting him drift to the bottom of his list of priorities. Of course he knew that wasn't entirely true, he had been trying to ignore the pull he felt towards the other boy, scared of the protective, careful, and honey dares that washed over him when the boy was around.

And Nico just looked so exhausted and hurt and damaged like a shriveled up carcass being pumped and animated with unwilling life and a beating heart. Looking closer, Percy realized the boy looked just about to fall over and pass out, limbs heavy, knees on the verge of buckling. In his heart he felt a sharp pain. Nobody knew how to handle themselves, and nobody knew what to say and this was far from comforting for the boy. It needed to stop.

“Hey,” Percy said to his friends who were practically nothing short of an angry mob in Nico's face. Sure they were mad and concerned and worried and didn't, couldn't, understand but this was not the way to do it. 

The others paid no mind to what he said.

“Hey!” He repeated a bit more forcefully with demand. The shouting came to an abrupt halt, turning to look at him with blank faces wondering what could possibly be so important to cause an interruption at a tragic time like this.

He swallowed and dragged his hands across his face before running them through his hair distractedly. 

“...it's late. We're all very very concerned, and let me tell you, this discussion is nowhere near over,” he looked pointedly at Nico who looked down in shame, “but some of us need to get some sleep. All of us actually. We can continue this tomorrow in probably a more… uh civil manor and not out in the cold?”

Hazel was the first to snap to her senses, worry dancing across her features and nodded determinedly. 

“He’s right, we should all start heading back. No good can come from this right now, we’re all tense,” Hazel agreed, her stable words not matching the shake in her voice, looking at Nico and pulling him in for another hug, seeming to be close to tears, a way of reminding him she loved him and wanted him close.

Nico glanced up at Percy quizzically, no relief, just confusion as to why the boy was helping him. It was only like he wanted to get shouted at, needed to be reminded of all the things he did wrong, it was almost like himself wasn't enough anymore and he needed more pain. And the truth was Nico strived for it. He did this to himself, it was what he deserved after all.

Percy walked carefully to where Nico stood and wrapped an arm around his waist to help him begin to walk. Nico looked ready to protest and say once again he was fine, but truthfully he was so weak and exhausted he could cry from the effort it took to stand up straight. Instead he leaned his weight in Percy, regretting how much it comforted him.

The others murmured to themselves and began to stir, grabbing on to others hands and wrapping arms around ones closing to them, all lacking energy and feeling drained from the sting in their hearts. It was painful but they didn't want to cry in front of Nico. Right now it seemed it would make him feel guilty and he should, but they all suspected it would be contradictory and add to his desire to end it all.

“Hey Hazel,” Percy began to whisper softly to her, “ you're really shaken up, why don't you go sleep with Piper or Annabeth tonight okay?”

Hazel shared a look with him and nodded silently, sniffling. She knew she wouldn't sleep at all with Nico there and wouldn't have been able to get him to sleep either. And she figured if she had him hold her and rock her till sleep graced her again, she figured he'd stay awake as she now suspected he's always done. And she needed a quiet place to break down, to cry, to mourn over the hurt and her heart and process everything without the culprit in such close quarters with her. She didn't want to add to her big brother’s pain.

Percy looked at Nico who seemed to glare at him a bit defiantly, but it held no heat. 

It seemed as though Nico didn't know what to do with himself, as he felt like dead weight. He figured he'd end up crying alone in his cabin and shaking violently as the shadows seemed to crash on him in shards of worry and fear in a never ending panic attack. Or maybe he'd staring listlessly at the ceiling, not really seeing anything in the dark but his own pain.

“I'm sleeping with you tonight. I'm making sure you sleep even if I have to force you to,” Percy proclaimed, his voice seeming to issue a command laced with a gentle apprehension of worry.

Nico clenched his jaw and looked down at his feet defeated. More nightmares to wrack through his body and tear up his sanity it seemed. He knew Percy wouldn't sleep until he was certain the younger boy was resting and he didn't want to make him go through that. Sleep deprivation was a terrible monster, but Nico didn't deserve sleep. He deserved the monster. He didn't deserve to be refreshed and energized even if the little time he'd have for that left scars. Percy did though.

The trek back to camp was pitifully silent with everyone seeming to carry an undefinable weight on their shoulders. Nico burned where Percy's arms were desperately wanted to cave into him, but he wouldn't. He couldn't. This wasn't love, it was pain. Maybe both. He shouldn't even be alive right now to feel it either way.

He sighed as the camp came into view and the forest cleared out, preparing himself for a dreadfully long headache filled night. All he wanted was for his suffer to end completely in forgetfulness, or be brought upon him endlessly until he was so broken he couldn't understand the concept of pain and couldn't feel. Was it too much to ask for? He’d drench himself in the river sticks or dissolve himself to a nameless shadow but his father wouldn't allow that. He could scream in frustration.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! A new chapter will hopefully be out this weekend


	4. A/N

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, not a chapter

Hey guys. Sorry this isn't a chapter. Depression and anxiety is kinda kicking my butt here and I have so much testing. Anyways I don't know if I'll continue this work. If you want me to, leave comments I guess? And I'll see what I can do.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a very confusing chapter, I'm sorry. But things will be better explained later on, I promise


End file.
